Category: Let's talk
This is not a cry for atte3ntion I wouldn't lower myself.it's just the truth. A few days before crimbo we suffered a bereavement, it hit us like a sledgehammer and the enjoyment of the big day was annihilated.
A few days before Hogmanay I found myself standing on a bridge overlooking the river with one of my partner's insulin pens in my hand set for 60 units, enough to kill 20 people. I fully intended to shoot up and let fate do the rest, yes it was selfish but I have never denied that suicide is anything but. I was ready to inject when a guy stopped me,he took the pen, and tossed it into the river. I was elsewhere, I can only explain it thus my rational mind seemed to have vanished.
He took me to a nearby pub, and did the worst and best thing, bought me a large whisky. I couldn't speak for shaking and shivering the rain had been lashing and I was soaked and freezing. This is the 3rd time I have attempted to end my life and each time it seems to get easier, I am frightened that 1 day there might not be anyone offering their selfless kindness. Think what you will, I no longer really care, and that's what scares me the most.
Goblin, though you and I have disagreed more than once here on the boards, I have always respected your realistic approach to problems. You have often spoken bluntly--too bluntly, I thought--in response to someone's question or problem.
Now, I hope you will allow me to speak out bluntly. I hope, and think, that you are realistic enough to know that whatever the problem is, things can get better. Finding out what is necessary to improve things may be the hardest thing you've ever done; harder, even, than climbing the highest mountain in the world.
I wish you luck in this search for improvement. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.
Bob
you ever get to feelin like that again find your way to a comp a phone with a good calling plan and get a hold of me. I aint lyin man suicide aint no way to go I tried some days are better than others and I can tell ya that. A lot of us love ya here so next time come talk to us turn on qns I am here on irc and on messengers that goes for the rest of ya feeling like that yall contact me my cell is listed on ringo i think oh wait need to fix the number its got my old one but you can use msn skype yahoo aim and the like to find me or call my lazer box at 206 312 92 10 and leave a message i try to check it every day
.. as you write I am thinking of that man you make mention of…the one who was also walking the bridge that day you speak of when rain was lashing out her bitter relief, when day was cold, freezingly so and there a stranger walked…
I try to envision myself in his slopping wet shoes huddled within a worn overcoat and pulling it up a bit closer in an attempt to ward off the chill when it is that through the drenching mist that from the river bed arising up to the bridge that I too am about to cross over there appears to be a fellow man standing silhouetted in place, overlooking the water from the bridge with an outline of a syringe in hand, standing motionless as water pounds upon his wearied back…
What would I have done? Really, though what would I have done? Would I have hurried past thinking only of self and wanting to get into warmer things and find my personal rest never minding another soul who is despairing?? Then too perhaps I would have gotten all puffed up as it were, you know the type, the self righteous pompous ones who have only a moralizing story to preach.
My thots are that for perhaps a seconds few I would have stopped stock still within my tracks…thinking within and not so much thinking…rather feeling…of feeling how in the downpour death was so close at hand. When a person can reach out and touch death, taste death as it were….
I think back to like how many times when I have been confronted with death have I gotten all beyond even being beside myself… God, one would think I would learn…. seems someone is always close by where death lingers in the air… and then to remember…
…. to offer selfless kindness…
wow
Jenni,
To me you are the like awesome one...
I mean like time and again it seems someone seeks to bash you and yet it is you who responds in love and care. You know, I believe that if I needed someone to be there for me, to talk with...well, I believe you would not turn me away... So many are heartless and you have never seemed to be that way to me. Like the offer you made to not only Goblin but to anyone in need, I too am here if you ever want to share in talk.smile
Connie ~ Grace
thanks i just know where i have been and wished someone could have been there for me.
Thank you both I appreciate the kind offers and I will consider them. Jenni your right it's the worst of options and the guilt is awful, listen to me getting all poetic..but seriously thank you both
Alex.
truth is man i know where to turn if i want a realistic of my idealist mindlessness thoughts. You always put me back down out of the clouds and the stuff i read by you teach me lessons no one else would. When i get down i think of my nieces and nephews and watchin my sisters tellin there kids that there Aunt Jenni killed herself. God let that never happen I cant hurt those kids I love them.
hmmm, if I saw a guy standing on a bridge with a surringe I'd assume he was a junky.
I wouldn't say your thoughts are mindless, without as mind they would not exist,and you are talking to a confirmed cloud traveller. Hmmm that thought concerning your sister, could be seen as a form of self punishment, I'd find some other way of talking yourself out of trying, as you could end up consumed by guilt, for even thinking of it. Alasadir was on my mind sitting in the pub with good whisky migrating through my system and talking of guilt, I feel overwhelmed by it for bringing this gorgeous little bloke into this cold and fragile planet.
Well, seeings as your his father i know he will be very well rounded and will know that you love him very much, I also can say that love will overcome all. I always wonder if i will find true love with the way people talk down to me sometimes but I also know that when i do they won't have a word to say afterwards. I don't know whats worse the feelings of depression or that feeling of helplessness that comes with it when the end of life seems like the only option you really in some cases just move do shit with no thought at least i did. a fww times i didnt think of grabbing the pills, I just did then ended up in a hospital somewhere to get my shit straight. it sucks when you feel that way I hate it when others go through it and I cannot help just did that with my last bf i just couldnt take it but i really think he did it for my attention I don't know though. I just feel so out of touch right now so vonerable right now exposed. I didn't mean for this post to turn in to self-expressed therapy bbut I aint got a damn place to turn myself sometimes.
Wow. First off, I have to say that it's a good thing that fellow happened to come across your path on that bridge. I've never been in this situation, but I give you props for being able to share this story with others. I believe it takes courage and strength to do such. I have a question. Since this incident, have you been able to find someone you can talk to? Have you been able to sit down and think about your life, your future, and everyone who is a part of that life? I'm just curious to how you feel right now, and if you are finding that you have learned anything from this.
...whether a man is about to end it all with a syringe or to be involved in a day to day habit of being a junkie, the options would remain the same to me, the Stranger that would be passing by on the bridge... would I seek warmth and comfort for myself, hurrying by as though not a soul were there before me...or...would I stop and be a holier than thou son of a b*tch and lecture that one about to shoot up...or... would I stop and offer myself in some act of selfless kindness... to in some small measure reach out to another who is hurting...
Whether ending it all in a few moments time...or...moment by moment coming to end it all...ither way death is still powerfully lingering in the air and can be tasted... To the Stranger who desires to in some manner rid themselves of that bitter taste within, an option of reaching forth to that other can have healing properties to both the receiver as well as the giver. Just a brief example...years ago before having sons of my own I met with a gal pal that I had known in school. She was in a terrible way, had gotten herself hooked on prescription drugs of sedatives and sleeping pills and the like and was receiving prescriptions from more than a couple of doctors. She was loosing touch and seemed there was so little I could offer her besides some time to talk with her and some lunches. She had not a car so I would take her out of the city from the slumming place she was existing in and pack a picnic lunch. Seems there was always more than enough and she would place a packet of a sandwiches or two aside and ask would it be alright to take them into the apartment where she was staying as others were in need and it would get them through some rough times. Sure, why not...and I got to where always after that, even a little more extra I would place in the picnic basket... In the meanwhile she happened upon a counsellor that was able to help her get clean as it were or more so she was finally readied to say yes to this one that she had been putting off... I like to think in some small way those lunches and more so the time to be out in the fresh country air where she could clear her thots out for a few hours each week for some weeks though helped.. I didn't lecture her, rather was how I would have desired to have been treated and I think so too the case with the Stranger that Alex speaks of here.. This one took the time to stop, to offer himself in a selfless act, to offer a whiskey and more so not just the drink for he could have given money to go and make the purchase, not that Alex would have needed the money, just that well the point being is that The Stranger offered more than the whiskey, rather he too offered himself, to go the both of them to talk in a place of warmth and comfort...to have opportunity to come once again into perspective, of realizing what is important and the ones held in most treasured and loving thots...
To Jenni, you are right in that Goblin posts Boards to where if we take the time, there is learning to be found and that the place becomes a support center as it were where healings can continue to take place in each of our lives as we come to give encouragement and not lower ourselves into that horrible bashing mode. In a place of understanding, of person to person acceptance of individual pain and encouraging the finding of release and doing so not by taking a guilt route.... Jenni when you are here posting you are not that despairing one about to end it all in one form or another but you too get to be That One offering of yourself, of being selfless, of reaching out in love and care. Jenni, I want to be one of the ones in your life that offers to you support and your realizing that I am not talking down to you rather one on one. You know Jenni you are enabled to reach to Alex by being yourself, I can not help to note this quality in you and I just have to respond to you.. Yes, this is Alex’s Board and I do care about Alex and he knows, well I want him to know that deep down..... I am here.....and I care.....there has been a lot of water that has gone under that bridge between us.......it is just so overwhelmingly so I note your response Jenni of realness and the heartstrings as it were that are tugged at my inner person part of me by the comments shared here gives desire to reach forth to you to give you encouragement to stay the course of your own personal healings..... Jenni you are valuable and when others seek to pull you down, understand that they are jealous of your desire to reach forth and love and your moving forward... Keep On Jenni, the clouds may be dark and yet sun rimmed they are in heavens above, reach forth. May you find the storm tossed gales of destruction are blowing away and rather showers of blessings are raining forth. *gentle hugs of encouragement*
I think we as humans sometimes need to find hope in something, anything. Usually, its kids or the more light hearted things of this world. This can help in a lot of ways because without hope nothing works hope faith love and trust are crushal to existance. I just had to write that somewhere and couldnt find a better place.
Well said Jenny. Hope, that really is our only answer, and, in the last analysis, our only question: Is there hope?
Hope is between knowing and believing. It goes beyond the knowledge that life sucks and says "not always". Perhaps this is what separates us from the animals, we can hope. When the doctors say the tumor is inoperable, we say their is faith. When the drug seller says "I gotta have the money man" you say, "maybe my family". Hope incompasses more than wishful thinking, it is, well, HOPE.
Bob
Yep, thats true
Jenni I understand that tumult of emotion I was hospitalised 17 years ago after almost 3 months of neglect by the medical profession. It took a very serious and near fatal attempt, before they saw sense and gave me the treatment I so obviously needed. That delay in my treatment,led to this sorry state of affairs. It's scandalous how badly we are treated mental health remains the poor relation of the much maligned medical system.
Gemini I have a biker pal Damien to talk to.
He is very patient understanding and not very sublte, so if he thinks I'm wallowing or getting too morbid,he'll give me a shake,in his own way. As for feelings ...hmm a strange combination of guilt..an empty numbness and anger, that yet again I've been so weak.
Bob I'd say animals can hope ...in their own way the creatures of the Seringeti waiting on the rains, are hoping for release from the scorching heat.
But how long can you cling to endless optimism born of desperation,the Russians have a saying that's very apt here, Hope is the Last to Die. It's easy for us pamered westerners to deride this and say daft buggers,just sometimes hope is the 1st to die when you've spent to much of it trying and striving to be met with endless abuse.
yeah sometimes, we let our emotions guide us and have to fight to keep going trust me i have been there.
Well, I'm glad that you habve someone close to you, who is there for you, and whom you can talk to about everything. I truly believe that friends are very important, and can help us out drastically when needed. Hopefully, you'll find the strength within yourself to get through all of this. Again, I commend you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here with everyone.
Goblin, one thing that bothers me in all this, is the fact that you've mentioned a couple of times, that is that the episode ended with a glass of whisky.
You've mentioned elsewhere that drink may be a problem for you. Therefore, I have to ask, how is that particular problem going? Hope you aren't trading one devil for another.
Just a thought.
Your friend,
Bob
Bob, I've wondered about the same thing. I just didn't want to come off as disrespectful, or seem like I was criticizing or anything, by saying something.
I know i drink a lot at this point but I try to stick to one or two no more than that.
It's ok I knew the whisky question would raise it's tempting head...hmm he did the best he could to help me unaware that I have a real fondness for whisky. I was in no state to realise it was alcohol, until I was 1/2 way through the dram. Since then it's prayed on my mind and the counsellor has been to see me, it's not gone as far as lying in the gutter clutching an empty bottle, Ohh feck! please say this doesn't sound like rambling justification.
nope
Cheers pal.
No problem. I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the potential problem, had given it some thought, and was working on it. Glad you have.
Bob
The last thing I want is to prove some people right, but I may already be too late. It was only 1 whisky.
drinking in moderation is ok as long as you can spot when it is getting you in to trouble.
I am in trouble as Scots whisky is just too delicious for it's own good..and later I wanted another just to numb the pain.
Okay, please don't take what I'm about to ask the wrong way. I'm not trying to pry into your personal life, feelings, etc. If it offends you in any way, then please, by all means, don't answer.
I'm just wondering what your thoughts are, as far as alcohol use goes? Do you feel that you have a problem with it? If so, have you thought about getting any kind of help? Again, I don't want to come off as disrespectful or nosy. If you don't want to answer, then, by all means, don't.
I am getting help and in some ways alcohol use is fine in upsetting circumstances, but a drink problem is insidious and in Scotland we have a tradition of giving someone a dram, {a single whisky},if their upset ect to calm them down..it's part of our culture and in climbing every climb invariably ends in the pub,it's difficult to separate the drink from the culture of climbing or biking for that matter...I envy Damien he's allergic to booze...a good sip could kill him.
goblen, i know all to well what you are saying, if you ever want to talk, please let me know.
I'll think about it cheers Bryan.